


The Lady and TH3 DR4GON

by Farla



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Detective Noir, Gen, btp, rbtf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-29
Updated: 2012-12-29
Packaged: 2017-11-22 19:44:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/613555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Farla/pseuds/Farla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>W1TH A RO4R, THE DR4GON L4ND3D M1GHT1LY 1N FRONT OF TH3 3V1LDO3R, BLOCK1NG TH3 4LL3Y W1TH H3R T3RR1FY1NG WH1T3 BODY. TH3 ST3NCH OF SOUR L3MONS F1LL3D H3R M1GHTY NOS3.</p><p>The thug turned to flee back the way he came, only to find Jane Crocker, the infamous private detective, standing in front of the dirty chainlink fence. "I see you met my partner," she said with an amazingly hardboiled smirk and one hand on her hip. "Now. My partner and I just have a few questions we'd like you to answer."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Lady and TH3 DR4GON

**Author's Note:**

  * For [astralDeveloper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/astralDeveloper/gifts).



A lone woman pounded down the darkened alleyway, her long stylish gray coat flapping behind her as she ran. Ahead, she saw her quarry scramble up the chainlink fence like a rat fleeing a sinking ship. She pushed herself harder, feet slamming into the dirty, broken pavement!

W1TH A RO4R, THE DR4GON L4ND3D M1GHT1LY 1N FRONT OF TH3 3V1LDO3R, BLOCK1NG TH3 4LL3Y W1TH H3R T3RR1FY1NG WH1T3 BODY. TH3 ST3NCH OF SOUR L3MONS F1LL3D H3R M1GHTY NOS3.

The thug turned to flee back the way he came, only to find Jane Crocker, the infamous private detective, standing in front of the dirty chainlink fence. "I see you met my partner," she said with an amazingly hardboiled smirk and one hand on her hip. "Now. My partner and I just have a few questions we'd like you to answer."

TH3 DR4GON L34N3D H3R M1GHT3Y H34D DOWN TO SN1FF TH3 CR1M1N4L SCUM MOR3 CLOS3LY. "W3 SHOULDN'T W4ST3 T1M3 W1TH QU3ST1ONS, HUM4N D3TECT1V3 CROCK3R. 4S TH3 B3ST 4ND ONLY DR4GON L3G1SL4C3R4TOR 1 C4N T3LL YOU H3 ST1NKS OF L13S 4ND P4RT1CUL4RLY ROTT3N L3MONY COW4RD1C3. WHY DON'T 1 JUST 34T H1M NOW 4ND S4V3 US TH3 TROUBL3. JUST1C3 MUST B3 DON3." SH3 SNORT3D 4 QU1CK WH1SP OF BR1LL14NT CH3RRY FL4M3, S34R1NG H1S D3C13TFUL MUDDY 3Y3BROWS 4ND SHOW3D OFF 4LL H3R T33TH.

"I'm sure there's no need for that, Redglare!" the detective said quickly. "He's our only lead in the case of the missing jewels. Your nose will be able to smell if he's trying to lie to us."

"H3 D3F1N4T3LY W1LL 4ND 3V3N 1F H3 DO3SN'T L13 H3 PROB4BLY DO3SN'T KNOW 4NYTH1NG. NO ON3 WOULD TRUST 1MPORT4NT 1NFORM4T1ON TO SOM3ON3 WHO'D T4LK! 34T1NG H1M W1LL S3ND 4 M3SS4G3 TO TH3 L4WBR34K3RS OF TH3 C1TY!" TH3 W1S3 4ND M1GHTY DR4GON 3XPL41N3D TO H3R MUCH YOUNG3R P4RTN3R WHO W4S V3RY N41V3. 

"What message?"

"TH4T TH3Y 4R3 CRUNCHY."

Crocker rolled her eyes in a very mature and hardboiled and not naive way! She said to the small-time thug who was their only lead cowering before them, "Well start talking, thug, or you're dragon dung!" although of course he wouldn't really be eaten by her trusted and reasonable partner Redglare. The man immediately began to sing like a well-trained canary. "The jewels have been fenced to one of the Mobster Kingpin's guys! You can find the guy at warehouse ten on the docks! It's actually a hidden speakeasy! He goes by the name of One-Eyed Joe and he's got a red eye tatooed on top of his black leather eyepatch! When they ask you the password at the door, say you're there to get some candy corn."

"1S TH4T 4LL YOU KNOW?" TH3 DR4GON D3M4ND3D 1N H3R M1GHTY VO1C3 TH4T SHOOK TH3 ST41N3D BR1CKS OF TH3 4LL3YW4Y, NOT 1MPR3SS3D BY H1S SQ4UCKB34ST 1MPR3SS1ON. H3 QU4ILL3D L1K3 4 QU41LW1NG B3FOR3 H3R 4ND NODD3D SO SH3 D3C1D3D TO 34T H1M NOW TH4T H3 W4SN'T 4NY MOR3 US3.

"Don't!" the famous detective shouted, stepping fearlessly between the cowering man and the dragon's enormous fangs. "He's done what we asked and he isn't behind this crime."

"BUT H3 1S 4 CR1M1N4L," TH3 DR4GON PO1NT3D OUT V3RY R34SON4BLY.

"Criminals can reform!" Jane Crocker said. "This man is not irredeemable! He can improve and become a productive member of society, and by helping us solve this case he has taken the first step on that path!" Her heartfelt yet hardboiled imprompt speech touched their hearts.

B3H1ND H3R TH3 PR3V1OUSLY S1NG1NG THUG PULL3D OUT 4 GUN TO SHOOT TH3 NOBL3 PR1V4T3 D3T3CT1V3 WH1L3 SH3 W4S D1STR4CT3D. TH3 DR4GON RO4R3D, "LOOK OUT CROCK3R!" 4ND M1GHT1LY SWUNG ONE HUGE WH1T3 P4W TO CRUSH H1M.

The gun went off behind Crocker, who ducked as the dragon's paw came down. "Thank you for saving me," she said, and turned around to see the thug. "Oh no!" she said, seeing he was seriously injured by the dragon's claws and unconscious. "We need to get this man to a hospital!" She quickly dialed for an ambulance on her hardboiled cellphone. "Even if he is a criminal who tried to shoot me, we must serve the law of the land and not be vigilantes but let the courts give him their verdict. Also, he probably only attacked me out of fear of being eaten." So saying, she turned back to her dragon partner and gasped again. "You've been shot!"

TH3 DR4GON H4DN'T NOT1C3D TH3 1NJURY SH3 SUST41N3D R3SCU31NG H3R TOO GOODH34RT3D P4RTN3R FROM MURD3ROUS SCUM BUT NOW S4W TH4T TH3R3 W4S 4 L1N3 OF T34L RUNN1NG DOWN H3R L3G 4ND DR1PP1NG 1NTO TH3 CH3RRY R3D PUDDL3 OF H3R D3STROY3D 3N3MY. SH3 L1CK3D H3R L3G CL34N T4ST1NG TH3 D3L1C1OUS 3V3RGR33N FL4VOR. "1T 1S NO PROBL3M FOR 4 DR4GON," SH3 TOLD H3R P4RTN3R. "YOU H4V3 TO L34RN TO 3XP3CT B31NG 4TT4CK3D WH3N D34L1NG W1TH TH3 CR1M1N4L 3L3M3NT L1K3 1 DO."

"We should go back to the Dragoncave and clean it up immediately!" Crocker said firmly. She knew her mighty partner would want to keep going, but infection was a serious problem! What would she do if the great Redglare grew sick when she needed the dragon's help to subdue a gang of mobsters? "Besides, I'm out of bullets, and we can't go to the speakeasy for another few hours." She looked around, hearing sirens in the distance.

TH3 DR4GON NODD3D M1GHT1LY. "Y3S W3 SH4LL V1S1T PYR4LSP1T3 TO G3T R34DY FOR OUR N3XT 4SS4ULT ON TH3 S33DY UND3RB3LLY OF TH1S C1TY." SH3 SWUNG H3R H34D OV3R TH3 CR1M1N4L'S BODY. "1T WOULD B3 L3SS WORK FOR TH3 C1V1L S3RV4NTS 1F 1 JUST 4T3 H1M F1RST," SH3 PO1NT3D OUT.

"That may be how they handle stuff in the big empire of Alternia, but here in this little city, deaths are more paperwork, not less," Crocker said. "Disappearing bodies won't endear us to the paperpushing pencilheads in charge. We should leave here before the ambulance arrives, to avoid people asking questions about what happened here. That could tip our perp off and get us in trouble with the fuzz," Crocker growled in an especially hardboiled voice.

"TH3 FUNCT1ON1NG OF 4LT3RN14 1S SUP3RIOR 1N 3V3RY W4Y," TH3 GR34T DR4GON S4ID. "BUT 1F TH1S C1TY 1S B4CKW4RD 4ND FOOL1SH 4BOUT JUST1C3 1 GU3SS W3 MUST WORK 4ROUND TH4T." SH3 P1CK3D UP H3R HUM4N P4RTN3R W1TH TH3 4RM NOT 1NJUR3D PROT3CT1NG H3R 4ND PL4C3D H3R ON H3R B4CK, TH3N JUMP3D INTO TH3 41R US1NG H3R M1GHTY L3GS. "TO TH3 DR4GONC4V3!"

"To the Dragoncave!" Crocker echoed in an enthusiastic yet hardboiled way as they flew across the city. She could almost taste the delicious steak dinners they would eat back at their hideout.

ST34K D1NN3RS M4D3 FROM TH3 FL3SH OF CULL3D 3V1LDO3RS.


End file.
